"lead us not into temptation," I can find it myself.....

What a long strange trip its been!

At one point in time in my life, I was pretty religious.  Saved at 12 when I went to Knoxville Baptist Tabernacle with Mike Sands and his family.  4 years later, at age 16, I felt the call to preach.  I remember talking to my Dad about that decision and he wasn't excited about it and tried to talk me out of it. I agonized over that decision for days/weeks.  Trying to decide if Exodus 20:12 fit this situation...  Exodus 20:12 says  “Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you." While reading The Bible I found Acts 5:29 and I KNEW which direction to go. Acts 5:29 says "Then Peter and the other apostles answered and said, We ought to obey God rather than men".  I have to say, I love my Dad but I was being pulled another way. It wasn't easy but it was doable. I was licensed to preach by a small church that was short distance from my house. Between 16 and 18 I taught Sunday School, Training Union and I filled in for the song director when he broke his foot and was a youth director for a short time. 

Fast forward to 18 years old and I got my first job, my first car and my first love.....  To say I fell hard for this girl is a major understatement.  Our relationship twisted my mind in ways I couldn't grasp.  It didn't last long and it hurt like hell.  Her parents didn't dislike me but they also didn't care for me dating their daughter and they let it be know every moment I was around them.  Her dad was a Army vet and I ask him what he did where he worked....his answer "That isn't any of your business" I was doing the best I could to TRY and make conversation with this person and it didn't seem to matter.  This guy was SO uptight that I was told he had a outline drawing scissors on his drawing desk and that one spot was the ONLY place the scissors went on that desk...the end...full stop. OCD much, er CDO much? I once ask this girl what was wrong with her dad and her answer was "He spent 20 years in the Army" my answer to her was "My Dad spent 20 years in the Air Force and he isn't that uptight"....

When that relationship ended. I walked away from God.  Slammed the door in his face and walked away. I couldn't understand why he had taken the thing I wanted most in this world.  I couldn't grasp it, I couldn't shake it and I truly felt like no one would understand at all....I just HURT all over.  Sad to say, every woman in my life after that, until the age of 27 or 28, would suffer because of the hurt I felt over losing her.  I was too short sighted to see just how my toxic attitude would also hurt the people around me.  It was sad. 

I saw her one last time, when I was 20 years old.  When she saw me, she didn't say "Hello Johnny!" or "Hi" or anything like that. Her first words to me after two years were "I'm getting married in August!" I knew right then that how I felt about her was never how she felt about me.  And the hurt flooded back for a few weeks in full force, just as bad as the initial hurt had ever been.

I was most bitter as far as my attitude was concerned. I hid it pretty well most days but if you got close to me there was going to be that moment when the bitter side came out. It wasn't pretty. I wasn't nice and I STILL blamed God and did so for a great many years.  Sad to say, my first wife got the worst end of me for a great many years.  No matter what had or has happened between us, she didn't deserve my shit for something she didn't do and had no hand in. 

Buddha said "Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned." and this is SO true.  I had hurt myself and a load of others just by being mad at God.  

I went into the U.S. Air Force after being married for a year and being blessed with my first and only child.  I loved being in the military.  I always said "When it stops being fun, I'm out".....it stopped being fun 15 years and 9 months later and YES I did get out. I have to say I've found nothing as fun as being in the military. If it wasn't for that whole "training to go to WAR" stuff, I would have enlisted for my last hitch and retired but it wasn't to be. (To be honest, the "training to go to WAR" didn't have anything to do with my separating from the Air Force, the pace of deployments and my over all health during that time were what made me walk away from the military.  Being suddenly deployed for months at a time and being away from my son made me lose my "fun in the military") 

When people I served with found out I once preached, I got a lot of different reactions. I had more people than I can count, literally, get right in my face and say "You know what you need to do, you need to get right with God right now!" As if saying that in a forceful manner would jolt me back on the straight and narrow.  I have told more people than I can count, including my own Dad, "If you are concerned for my mortal soul, get on your knees and pray for me, BUT, get out of my face! " and I wasn't nice about it either!  

I did get one reaction that I'll never forget. I had a couple ask me to perform their wedding.  I was so shocked by that I could have been knocked over with a feather.  I told them I would have to check the Alaska state laws to see if I could perform the service legally.  Alaska law said I could do the deed and I did it in a duplex in base housing at Eielson AFB.  I wish I could remember the date and the couple better almost  30 years later but I just can't. Fast Forward to October 2005 and I performed the service when my parents renewed their wedding vows on their 50 anniversary.  I had a LOAD of fun with that! How many people can say they got to give such a gift to their parents? Not many that I know of.  

Other than two weddings, I haven't done much with my call to preach, however, I can say in my later years, I have begun to feel the pull of God reeling me back to him.  Where I stand right now is closer to God than I have been in years.  Being a 7 day a week Christian as a teen was a roller coaster of feeling guilty about every little sin. I beat myself  up SO badly for so much "little" stuff....It made being a happy Christian very hard to do.  Being a 7 days a week Christian as an adult has raised questions that I didn't have as a teen or that the answers are different now that I'm an adult.  I've had to reach into my mind to figure out answers to those problems. I promised myself one thing. I wasn't going to beat myself up with "every little thing". 

At this point, Randi and I are considering joining a small church that is somewhat close to the house.  I've tried joining or finding other churches over the years. At one church, we stood up to sing and a strange thing happened. Without trying, I was out or over singing all of them. There were about 25 people in the room. After the service, the Preacher and another member came up to Randi and I and offered me the Music Minister's job right on the spot. I declined and said that I needed to be ministered to at this point in my spiritual life rather than try to minister to anyone else.  

I have always believed that we serve a loving God and his LOVE for us should be emphasized far greater than the fear of going to hell or what I call "turn or burn" preaching.  Most of the churches I've been to over the years have wanted to save everyone and have a bunch of robots on their hands. You can't wear makeup or pants or be African American or what ever nitpicking rule they wish to make this week....They all, or most of, them seemed to have an attitude of "we are the frozen chosen and those are sinners out there, keep away from them....."  

The church we are looking to join doesn't seem to have those problems. The very first service we went to on Easter Sunday, they prayed for Jews, Catholics, Muslims, the sick, the hurting and darn near included everyone on the planet. WOW..that sure was a change from the Southern Baptist Churches I attended. I have heard Jews and Catholics put down almost as a joke in some Southern Baptist Churches I attended and I always felt that was an odd thing to do but I was a bit too young to speak up or I was just visiting that church and I couldn't fix there problems in one short session...nor did I need to try to either. 

In listening to the Preacher of Kathwood Baptist, the church we are considering as our church home, he said something to the effect of "if your church is preaching exclusion not inclusion, there is something wrong". I had never heard it put that way before but that hit the nail right on the head. It struck a chord in me that made me want to visit again.  We recently missed two weeks of Sunday church and I truly missed it and since Kathwood is the only church I've attended recently, I MISSED Kathwood and the true warmth of their ministry. It is truly an impressive place that has given me time to get my mind around how I felt about it without so much as a push, other than to have people tell us they genuinely have missed us when we weren't there. It has made a difference to Randi and I.  

It hasn't been easy for Randi and I to find a church that suited us both. She being Methodist and my being Baptist some times didn't work well. Something or other about the amount of water being used or some such silly thing.... However, Kathwood has been different, we both felt comfortable about how the church was conducted and how the church treated us being visitors. One bad thing about joining the church is we won't get to use those neat visitors parking spots that are near the door....well DARN....but we will live. 

The trip from here on out might still be strange. Its a strange world we are living in, but maybe it will be a little less strange with a little more God in my life...

J.