The tender middle

I saw a Facebook post from a friend tonight that just said "Why me???" and I didn't know what it was about but I KNEW how it felt.  Been there, done that.  I got picked on in grade school by a person I didn't bother and who I wanted very badly for him to leave me alone.  I'm not sure what it was about me that attracted his attention but it did.  At my young age I felt like it was because my father was away with the military and his father worked for the City of Knoxville. I also felt like it was because my dad was a drinker and I felt like everyone knew it. I'm sure they didn't but I sure felt like they did.

In my adult mind I can see that some people mistook my shy or soft side as a weakness when in fact it was a plus.  I didn't talk much but I took a lot in, much like a sponge takes in water. I watched life go by and I was content to sit on the sidelines and watch life go by. I felt if I opened my mouth, I would be ignored and dismissed. I felt like my opinions carried less weight than other peoples did.

At about age 15 I ask my dad something and his answer was "I think you are old enough to make those decisions for yourself".....MAN! it was like being let off the leash. I don't remember what question I ask but, boy do I remember the answer!  

Even as an adult, I still have a bad habit of saying "May I ask a question?" because I still feel that small boy inside me saying "you're not good enough to give your opinion", however as a counter to that I also tell myself that my opinion is just as good as anyone else's! I can't say I excel and I can't say I fall flat all the time either. I'm painfully average. Right smack in the middle.  They once had an answer on Jeopardy "5'9" 185 lbs and size 9 shoes" the question "What is the measurements of the average man in America" and at the time I was only 5 pounds less than that....talk about average! I always wanted to be 6 foot tall....I didn't make it. Oh well! can't have everything.

Sometimes, the insides of our own minds are our worst critic.  You know where the bad stuff about yourself is buried and when you are doing badly, your mind will remind you of every time you fell flat or goofed in front of a crowd full of people.....

It wasn't easy to live through the hard times but it has given me a perspective that I KNOW things will get better and you can't always be on top.  It has provided for me when I was halfway around the world with nothing but snail mail to keep me going (during the Gulf War it took over two weeks to get my first letter from home but when I finally did get mail I got four letters in one day. That was the hardest two weeks of my life!)

Being down isn't easy but maybe God has something in store that only such knowledge can give you an edge to live through during a rough time.  Remember, even the flowers need rain to grow. It can't always have the sun at our backs.....or our shoulders would burn and that is no fun either!

Sometimes only God knows "Why" and he has a plain for us all.
Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you" declares the LORD "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plains to give  you hope and a future"

J.

21 Date night questions taken from http://davewillis.org/21-date-night-questions/

21 Date Night Questions

Just when you think you’ve come to know all there is to know about someone, you’ll find out that you’re just getting started! Marriage is a lifelong journey of discovery and communication is the only way to continue growing in your discovery of one another. Below are some questions that should start some great conversations! Turn off your phones and TV and ask your spouse these questions. I guarantee that you’ll both end up discovering something new!

1. If there was a movie about your life, what songs would you want on the soundtrack?

The CD unplugged by Eric Clapton.

2. In that movie, what actor (past or present) would you want to play you?

Matt Damon. I like his movies

3. If you could have named yourself, what name would you have chosen?

Johnny is ok I just wish I could have also gotten my Grandfathers middle name too.

4. What is your favorite thing about yourself?

I love fixing stuff. I'm not always good at it but getting there is half the fun

5. What is one thing you wish you could change about yourself?

The fear in my own head that tells me "I can't" way too many times a day

6. What was your biggest fear when you were a child?

Being left away from home alone. 

7. What is your biggest fear now?

Screwing up at work. 

8. Besides our wedding and the day kids were born, what is your all-time favorite day?

20 Jan 2000, when I married Randi (that answer isn't allowed according to the question but that is my answer)

9. What would you do with the money if we won the lottery?

a. keep it private

b. invest, invest, invest

c. repair computers and network and be my own boss.

10. What would you do tomorrow if you lost your job and money and we had to start over?

Pick up a network tester and a toolbox and get to work. 

11. When you were a kid, who was your biggest hero?

My Dad. He is the reason I went in the USAF

12. Who is your biggest hero today?

My Wife, Randi. She has a calm about her that I've never seen in anyone else.

13. What is your greatest regret?

Didn't go to college sooner/Didn't retire from the USAF

14. What is one thing you’d like to accomplish by this time next year?

Read my Bible more.

15. If you won a free vacation to any place on earth, where would you want to go?

Alaska to see son, daughter-in-law, and Alisen, meet C.J. (my newest granddaughter) or Texas to see my daughters and maybe see an F1 race while there.

16. What was your first nickname?

J.J. given to me by my Dad

17. What is your earliest childhood memory?

Playing on the floor in base housing at Richards-Gebaur Air Force Base, MO

18. What was the moment when you laughed harder than you’ve ever laughed?

Watching "Rodney's Place" on HBO in the late 70's or early 80's (it was full of up coming comics. Tim Allen, Jeff Foxworthy, John Fox, Thea Vidale to name a few)

19. If you could write one new law that everyone had to obey, what law would you create?

Use the turn lane and your turn signals.   

20. What’s a new hobby you’d like to try out?

I have enough hobbies to choke a horse. I don't need another hobby. 

21. Besides marrying Randi…what’s the greatest thing that has ever happened to you? 

Graduating from college in 2005

There should be one more question:
22. What is your super power?
I know where every bathroom in town is and I also know the call signs for all the NPR stations in the state of SC. 

What movies made you cry.....

A few mornings ago, on the local NPR station they ask "What movie made you cry and why". For me the answer was easy. It was "Good Morning Vietnam" from 1987.  It wasn't anything in the movie or in the story of the movie, it was seeing Military men wearing khaki uniforms. The Air Force called them "1505's"

Robin Williams in 1505's khakis

 1505's were long gone from the Air Force when I went in the Military. I was kind of sad about that. I would have loved to wear the same uniform my Dad did but it wasn't to be. I can't tell you how many times I saw my Dad leave home wearing 1505's when I was a kid.

My Dad at age 38.

 Watching Good Morning Vietnam threw me back to a time in my life that I had no control over anything. I was a very young kid.  Watching Robin Williams leave Vietnam in 1505's made those hard times suddenly come flooding back to me and I sobbed a great deal.  I get a lump in my throat writing about it even now.

Thanks for the memories Robin. You were a very good actor, no matter what role you played.  The world is less funny and heaven is more funny with your passing.

J.