The tender middle

I saw a Facebook post from a friend tonight that just said "Why me???" and I didn't know what it was about but I KNEW how it felt.  Been there, done that.  I got picked on in grade school by a person I didn't bother and who I wanted very badly for him to leave me alone.  I'm not sure what it was about me that attracted his attention but it did.  At my young age I felt like it was because my father was away with the military and his father worked for the City of Knoxville. I also felt like it was because my dad was a drinker and I felt like everyone knew it. I'm sure they didn't but I sure felt like they did.

In my adult mind I can see that some people mistook my shy or soft side as a weakness when in fact it was a plus.  I didn't talk much but I took a lot in, much like a sponge takes in water. I watched life go by and I was content to sit on the sidelines and watch life go by. I felt if I opened my mouth, I would be ignored and dismissed. I felt like my opinions carried less weight than other peoples did.

At about age 15 I ask my dad something and his answer was "I think you are old enough to make those decisions for yourself".....MAN! it was like being let off the leash. I don't remember what question I ask but, boy do I remember the answer!  

Even as an adult, I still have a bad habit of saying "May I ask a question?" because I still feel that small boy inside me saying "you're not good enough to give your opinion", however as a counter to that I also tell myself that my opinion is just as good as anyone else's! I can't say I excel and I can't say I fall flat all the time either. I'm painfully average. Right smack in the middle.  They once had an answer on Jeopardy "5'9" 185 lbs and size 9 shoes" the question "What is the measurements of the average man in America" and at the time I was only 5 pounds less than that....talk about average! I always wanted to be 6 foot tall....I didn't make it. Oh well! can't have everything.

Sometimes, the insides of our own minds are our worst critic.  You know where the bad stuff about yourself is buried and when you are doing badly, your mind will remind you of every time you fell flat or goofed in front of a crowd full of people.....

It wasn't easy to live through the hard times but it has given me a perspective that I KNOW things will get better and you can't always be on top.  It has provided for me when I was halfway around the world with nothing but snail mail to keep me going (during the Gulf War it took over two weeks to get my first letter from home but when I finally did get mail I got four letters in one day. That was the hardest two weeks of my life!)

Being down isn't easy but maybe God has something in store that only such knowledge can give you an edge to live through during a rough time.  Remember, even the flowers need rain to grow. It can't always have the sun at our backs.....or our shoulders would burn and that is no fun either!

Sometimes only God knows "Why" and he has a plain for us all.
Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you" declares the LORD "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plains to give  you hope and a future"

J.