The Daily ACK! 3/20/2011 Funny stuff
ACK....What funny stuff do you remember from your youth?...or from your life?
(BE WARNED, this ACK contains what might be considered adult content. If you offend easily, please skip this ACK! You have been warned!)
At about age 17, my dad was 47 and trying darn hard to stop smoking...he was walking through the house toward the kitchen with a cigarette in one hand and a large Tupperware tumbler (16oz), coughing with every step he took. I said to him "Those things will kill you" and he held up the Tupperware tumbler and said "This?"...That was my dad..always seeing the funny side of anything.
Another time, while riding in the car with dad, again, I was about 17 years old. We got behind a Tractor Trailer truck that was stuffed FULL of live chickens. I absentmindedly said "I bet that is a foul job"...my dad groaned and it took me a while to "get it"....now, it's funny to me...
Something else I thought was funny from my youth. My dad and I used to tell the same jokes....except for one thing that didn't translate across the generation gap. He told the same jokes using the Irish in the punchline and I used the Polish in the punchline....*Why do the Polish have such trouble having kids? They wait for the swelling to go down*....*bad Johnny, bad Johnny*. (I had a Polish teacher in 6th's and 7th's grade that used to tell us Polish jokes and just laugh with us...Mr Sierra was good as gold)
Something a little more recent...We got Sophie Oct 22, 2008. A few weeks after we got her the time changed and it was getting darker at night earlier. Randi and I took Dylan and Sophie out in the back yard to get the "business" done while it was still light outside. Dylan decided he needed to do #2...Sophie, not to be outdone, also bent over to do #2..she was so close to Dylan she pooped on the very tip of his tail...I was laughing so darn hard I almost fell down.
I worked for Sumter County for 4 years and I worked with 3 very fine people at the time, Garrett Collins, Leon Mitchell and Wendy Kimball. One day I got a tickle in my throat and just couldn't stop coughing...I was trying hard to go over a new system with Garrett and Leon and they looked at me and ask " Are you OK?" I said that I was ok, inbetween coughs. After the coughing had almost stopped I looked at Garrett and Leon and said "If I fall in the floor and I wake up and one of you hairy legged stump jumpers are giving me mouth to mouth I'm going to hit you. If I fall down and stop breathing, someone run and get Wendy"....we all had a big laugh from that.
Randi is such a quiet person that she can say something that will cut you deep and it takes a second or two for it to sink in that she has cut you while you weren't looking. One day right after she moved to South Carolina from Texas, I was leaving for work and she gave me a peck of a kiss....I pulled her back to me and said "I want a KISS, not a peck! That was like kissing your sister" (remember, Randi has two sisters) We kissed again and then she ask me..."Which sister?"
The other night, before Randi when to Minnesota, we were at the dinner table eating and we were discussing Sophie's back and how to handle it while Randi was gone. She said "no matter what, you will tell me if Sophie takes a turn for the worse with her back" and my answer was "Oh yes". Then I told her a joke that reminded me of. A real cat lover goes on vacation and leave his beloved cat with his brother. He calls back home on the first night and the brother blurts out on the phone "your cat died this morning". The cat lover is so torn up and distraught he ends the phone call. A few hours later he calls the brother back and says "you could have broken it to me gently...something like 'the cat is stuck on the roof of the house and won't eat' and then the next day 'the cat is still on the house and still hasn't eaten" and on for a few more days and then tell me the cat had passed on while on the roof of the house". They end their phone call and the brother on vacation calls back the next day and his brother at home tells him "Mom is stuck on the roof of the house....." we both got a good laugh out of that one...
Fun sometimes happens where you make it happen. There I stood in Frankfurt Germany, 5:00am 11 Aug 1990, flying off to the gulf war. It is a serious matter to miss troop movement and they were calling roll before they would let us back on the aircraft. They got to my last name, "Massengill" and someone else in the crowd said "Isn't that the disposable douche?" I said "You're damn right it's disposable, who the hell would want to keep it" and the whole crowd of people getting on that aircraft laughed. In the face of danger, flying into the unknown, there was time to laugh. I, for one, was thankful for that tension breaker..I needed it at the time.
I was a teacher in the military for 4 years. I used to teach people to use the equipment I worked on. One day at the Bomb Dump on Shaw AFB, I was teaching 8 people about the -86 Hobart Generator. I was teaching along "This generator unit puts out 3 phase, 120 volt, 400Hz AC power...." One of my female students blurted out "HEY, that's enough to power my...." and another male student said "vibrator" and then the female said "I was going to say "Hair Dryer" but vibrator would work too". There I stood, lesson plan in hand, and I had to turn away from the 8 students I was teaching and LAUGH OUT LOUD. There was no way in the world I could keep teaching. It took me 4 or 5 minutes to regain my composure so I could continue teaching...
Then there are things that happen that you can laugh about later....even though these two items happened about 10 years apart, they are related to my brother and I.
There is about 3 and a half years of age difference between myself and my brother. At the time of the first happening, I was 6 and he was 9. He did something to me in our grandmother's (Mom's mother)house in Union County TN. He ran out the back door and at the side of the step was a 15 foot dog chain, I picked up that dog chain and spun it over my head, like a rope, and hit my brother in the back of the head with the hook on that chain...and he dropped to the ground quickly....my mother came out the back door talking to Rick "Now you quit that, your going to hurt him (me)!.... and at that point he couldn't have hurt a fly....but I had hurt him..
Then fast forward 10 or so years, my brother and I used to go to Rock concerts at the Knoxville Civic Auditorium. I can't remember who we were even seeing that night. My brother was with a girl and I was standing beside him. We looked in front of us and saw an EX girlfriend of his. Barbara, the EX girlfriend, was 4 foot 11 inches of the meanest person I have ever met up to that point. She didn't fight like a girl at all...she would double up her fist and go upside your head and think nothing of it....I was standing behind Barbara. My brother moved up and kicked Barbara in the ass and moved back before she turned around. She thought I had kicked her...(hell, I KNEW better than to mess with her!). She turned around and I was trying to tell her I didn't kick her and she doubled up her fist and KNOCKED ME COLD!...O.U.T. OUT! 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10...OUT! She didn't find out until after I woke back up that I was innocent and my brother Rick was the dirty rotten so and so that kicked her. After I got my brain twisted back on correctly, Rick looked at me and said "I finally got you back for hitting me with that dog chain".....The only thing lacking was the cartoon tweeting birds flying around my head....
Ok, I'm all ACKed out!
J.
(BE WARNED, this ACK contains what might be considered adult content. If you offend easily, please skip this ACK! You have been warned!)
At about age 17, my dad was 47 and trying darn hard to stop smoking...he was walking through the house toward the kitchen with a cigarette in one hand and a large Tupperware tumbler (16oz), coughing with every step he took. I said to him "Those things will kill you" and he held up the Tupperware tumbler and said "This?"...That was my dad..always seeing the funny side of anything.
Another time, while riding in the car with dad, again, I was about 17 years old. We got behind a Tractor Trailer truck that was stuffed FULL of live chickens. I absentmindedly said "I bet that is a foul job"...my dad groaned and it took me a while to "get it"....now, it's funny to me...
Something else I thought was funny from my youth. My dad and I used to tell the same jokes....except for one thing that didn't translate across the generation gap. He told the same jokes using the Irish in the punchline and I used the Polish in the punchline....*Why do the Polish have such trouble having kids? They wait for the swelling to go down*....*bad Johnny, bad Johnny*. (I had a Polish teacher in 6th's and 7th's grade that used to tell us Polish jokes and just laugh with us...Mr Sierra was good as gold)
Something a little more recent...We got Sophie Oct 22, 2008. A few weeks after we got her the time changed and it was getting darker at night earlier. Randi and I took Dylan and Sophie out in the back yard to get the "business" done while it was still light outside. Dylan decided he needed to do #2...Sophie, not to be outdone, also bent over to do #2..she was so close to Dylan she pooped on the very tip of his tail...I was laughing so darn hard I almost fell down.
I worked for Sumter County for 4 years and I worked with 3 very fine people at the time, Garrett Collins, Leon Mitchell and Wendy Kimball. One day I got a tickle in my throat and just couldn't stop coughing...I was trying hard to go over a new system with Garrett and Leon and they looked at me and ask " Are you OK?" I said that I was ok, inbetween coughs. After the coughing had almost stopped I looked at Garrett and Leon and said "If I fall in the floor and I wake up and one of you hairy legged stump jumpers are giving me mouth to mouth I'm going to hit you. If I fall down and stop breathing, someone run and get Wendy"....we all had a big laugh from that.
Randi is such a quiet person that she can say something that will cut you deep and it takes a second or two for it to sink in that she has cut you while you weren't looking. One day right after she moved to South Carolina from Texas, I was leaving for work and she gave me a peck of a kiss....I pulled her back to me and said "I want a KISS, not a peck! That was like kissing your sister" (remember, Randi has two sisters) We kissed again and then she ask me..."Which sister?"
The other night, before Randi when to Minnesota, we were at the dinner table eating and we were discussing Sophie's back and how to handle it while Randi was gone. She said "no matter what, you will tell me if Sophie takes a turn for the worse with her back" and my answer was "Oh yes". Then I told her a joke that reminded me of. A real cat lover goes on vacation and leave his beloved cat with his brother. He calls back home on the first night and the brother blurts out on the phone "your cat died this morning". The cat lover is so torn up and distraught he ends the phone call. A few hours later he calls the brother back and says "you could have broken it to me gently...something like 'the cat is stuck on the roof of the house and won't eat' and then the next day 'the cat is still on the house and still hasn't eaten" and on for a few more days and then tell me the cat had passed on while on the roof of the house". They end their phone call and the brother on vacation calls back the next day and his brother at home tells him "Mom is stuck on the roof of the house....." we both got a good laugh out of that one...
Fun sometimes happens where you make it happen. There I stood in Frankfurt Germany, 5:00am 11 Aug 1990, flying off to the gulf war. It is a serious matter to miss troop movement and they were calling roll before they would let us back on the aircraft. They got to my last name, "Massengill" and someone else in the crowd said "Isn't that the disposable douche?" I said "You're damn right it's disposable, who the hell would want to keep it" and the whole crowd of people getting on that aircraft laughed. In the face of danger, flying into the unknown, there was time to laugh. I, for one, was thankful for that tension breaker..I needed it at the time.
I was a teacher in the military for 4 years. I used to teach people to use the equipment I worked on. One day at the Bomb Dump on Shaw AFB, I was teaching 8 people about the -86 Hobart Generator. I was teaching along "This generator unit puts out 3 phase, 120 volt, 400Hz AC power...." One of my female students blurted out "HEY, that's enough to power my...." and another male student said "vibrator" and then the female said "I was going to say "Hair Dryer" but vibrator would work too". There I stood, lesson plan in hand, and I had to turn away from the 8 students I was teaching and LAUGH OUT LOUD. There was no way in the world I could keep teaching. It took me 4 or 5 minutes to regain my composure so I could continue teaching...
Then there are things that happen that you can laugh about later....even though these two items happened about 10 years apart, they are related to my brother and I.
There is about 3 and a half years of age difference between myself and my brother. At the time of the first happening, I was 6 and he was 9. He did something to me in our grandmother's (Mom's mother)house in Union County TN. He ran out the back door and at the side of the step was a 15 foot dog chain, I picked up that dog chain and spun it over my head, like a rope, and hit my brother in the back of the head with the hook on that chain...and he dropped to the ground quickly....my mother came out the back door talking to Rick "Now you quit that, your going to hurt him (me)!.... and at that point he couldn't have hurt a fly....but I had hurt him..
Then fast forward 10 or so years, my brother and I used to go to Rock concerts at the Knoxville Civic Auditorium. I can't remember who we were even seeing that night. My brother was with a girl and I was standing beside him. We looked in front of us and saw an EX girlfriend of his. Barbara, the EX girlfriend, was 4 foot 11 inches of the meanest person I have ever met up to that point. She didn't fight like a girl at all...she would double up her fist and go upside your head and think nothing of it....I was standing behind Barbara. My brother moved up and kicked Barbara in the ass and moved back before she turned around. She thought I had kicked her...(hell, I KNEW better than to mess with her!). She turned around and I was trying to tell her I didn't kick her and she doubled up her fist and KNOCKED ME COLD!...O.U.T. OUT! 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10...OUT! She didn't find out until after I woke back up that I was innocent and my brother Rick was the dirty rotten so and so that kicked her. After I got my brain twisted back on correctly, Rick looked at me and said "I finally got you back for hitting me with that dog chain".....The only thing lacking was the cartoon tweeting birds flying around my head....
Ok, I'm all ACKed out!
J.
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