Giving Back

Today my status on Facebook says:
"Ok folks, I've went and done it this time. I've offered to play guitar at my favorite bistro, Garden Bistro next Tuesday (12/24/13).. The staff there has always been good to me and I decided to give back to them for the kindness they have shown me in the recent past. PRAY for me!"

I admit, I've played guitar since age 11. I, at one point, wrote music and sang in Washington Pike Baptist Church with a guy named Mark (who's last name escapes me at the moment). It isn't like I haven't played in public in front of *gasp* PEOPLE...however, I'm not 17 anymore. I'm 51 and fear is a force in my life.  Having IBS will make you fear the strangest things.  

In one way, in my mind, I wanted to stand outside the crowd but in another way, I had this whole Walter Mitty thing going on in my head.  There just wasn't tons of good examples of setting out on your own and doing your own thing in my life as a kid.  There was fear to spare. Fear of being laughed at or fear of falling on my face in front of God and everyone and the shame those things will make you feel when you haven't developed the sense of self or self worth of your own abilities at a young age.  There are times you have to break a hell of a lot of eggs to make a perfect boiled egg and when you are young you just have no feeling for how many time you have to fail to REALLY get it right.  

While I sit here and write this, my mind is going about 4 or 5 different directions.  I guess the biggest thing in my mind is this: How do I break out of my comfort zone and HAVE FUN.  I'm a bit too serious and life should be serious...SERIOUSLY FUN and I still haven't figured out how to pull that off on a daily basis.  I seem to thrive talking one on one to a person but I'm a stiff old white guy when I'm in a group of people!  Haven't I played that roll long enough? YES! 100% YES.  Kind of reminds me of The Geezinslaws Help, I'm white and I can't get down . and I can't jump either.....Sad, isn't it.....

My friend Robert Oswalt (no relation to Lee Harvey at all....) seems to be the FUN in being SERIOUSLY FUN. I see Robert once or twice a week at church and no matter what, that guy always has a smile and if he looks a bit goofy, that is OK too....nothing seems to ruffle his feathers much at all.  We swap a laugh or two on Facebook and when he post something 99 times out of 100 it is a zinger of a laugh.  To do Robert justice, he can be serious in a serious way if the situation needs that, however, he slips back to his fun self with great ease and is more comfortable in his own skin than anyone I know.  I am grateful to have him as my friend and brother in Christ.

To get to the point of all this writing. I suggested doing this out of my own mouth while talking to the owner of Garden Bistro.  It was almost a joke with a push of seriousness behind it.  I ask Mike, "When are you all open next week?" and the answer was Monday and Tuesday.  I am working Monday but Tuesday I'm free and Randi is working half a day.  The staff at the Bistro know me by name and always treat me right.  When I order my food, they always know how I like it even if I don't order it the correct way...(Thanks Becky! ). I ask all the staff..."Where do you go to get away from work? I come here for lunch and you guys WORK here.." at that point I decided I could give some back, beyond a tip or a Christmas card.  I wanted to give those fine people something special....ergo...I wanted to play for them. They are my friends and I admire the work Mike and the staff do on a daily basis. They are food artist and sell a quality product in a quick manner with a friendly staff.  

How will it all turn out?  Only the good Lord knows but I seriously want to have a great deal of fun, mistakes, warts and all.  

J. 

More Thankful.

To understand where this blog post is going you first must understand this:
1 Thessalonians 5:18 In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.

I'm thankful for my Father's hard living ways. It taught me that drinking alcohol in excess is a dead end street, nothing good will ever come from it. 

I'm thankful I did deploy to the Gulf War. It taught me that I'm stronger than I realized and I have a deep wellspring of effort to draw on when needed. It was a turning point or a touchstone in my life. It let me know that I can hack it, no matter what "IT" may be. 

I'm thankful that my mom is a tough parent. It taught me that sometimes in the face of overwhelming odds, you have to stand up for what you believe in, not because its easy but because its the right thing to do.

I'm thankful for my divorce.  It taught me the real amount of effort it takes to keep a family moving. It also made me realize that I LOVE cooking but I'm still not good a the clean up part.

I'm thankful for the times I had NOTHING.  It taught me how to live within my means and use my head to think outside the box.  You might not like those green beans or that MRE (meals ready to eat) you're eating BUT you ARE eating, which is WAY better than NOT eating.

I'm thankful for the pain or hurt I've had in my life.  It taught me to truly appreciate when things are really good in my life.  If we all had gold, gold would be worth nothing. 

I'm thankful I watched my first Father-in-law, R.B. Thompson, take his last breath.  It taught me about the circle of life. It also was the door that opened a great friendship with my first Mother-in-law, Catherine Thompson. (it wasn't always so, I'm ashamed to say) I love and miss that great woman daily.  The world is a bit less bright without her around.  Catherine, I dearly miss the homemade butterscotch pies you used to make for me when we came home on leave.  No other pie even comes close to yours. 

I'm thankful for Randi.  Together, we make one hell of a team.  Sometimes you're beside me, holding my hand as we walk through life. Sometimes, you are behind me because I need a good swift kick in the ass and Sometimes you are in front of me because I need someone to pull me toward the good things this life has to offer and be away from my comfort zone (which is really very tiny) to show me the world isn't all bad. Thank you more than words can express. 

I'm thankful for Dylan. I was not a dog person before Dylan came into my life. His smartness and his funny ways helped me love an object that could give me nothing in return but his loyalty. I'm a better person because of that little dog. 

I'm thankful for Sophie. Having raised Dylan and getting it right 95% of the time with him gave me the vision that we could help Sophie.  I thought Dylan was a ham before Sophie showed up. He is downright serious and she is WAY goofy in her own sort of way.  I knew the moment we saw that 2 year old dog in Oct of 2008 that she was coming home with us and it didn't matter what it took to help her.  It was a one way love affair at first. It was love at first sight for me but Sophie wasn't to sure about it. Come to think of it, she wasn't too sure about ANYTHING when we first got her.  The second time she got down in her back, I cried big tears over that dog, but the trip with Sophie has been worth it. I would do it again in a second!

It hasn't always been easy but I've learned along the way.  Right or wrong, good or bad, I'm thankful to the Lord for all that has and will happen to me.

J.

Thankful

Today, I'm am very thankful.  I have every right to feel thankful today (even if the thermostat was in the away mode and the house got down to 65 degrees f before the heat came on, this being the coldest day in a while at 22 degrees f!) I'm home and have my wonderful wife, Randi, beside me sleeping.

It hasn't always been this way.  Being in the U.S. Air Force from 1984 - 2000, I've missed holidays, family birthdays, anniversaries and anything that happened back in the "land of the big BX".  I've sat in a tent, halfway around the world and cried tears that no one else saw or knew about at the time.  In a time before skype and hangout, I sent home a 15 minute VHS tape to my 1st wife and son.  I still have that tape and I've only watched it once in 22 years since the end of the Gulf War.  I remember recording that tape. They had a tent set up with 6 "booths" in it with a VHS camera on a tripod and a chair in front of the camera.  The booths were not a proper recording booth but a tent that had been sectioned into partitions and a hallway down the middle of the tent. I can't remember if the booths had a sheet or a door facing the hallway. (It could have been both as the tent city changed and grew/improved the whole 7 months and 5 days I called that patch of desert home).

The reason I won't watch that VHS Tape is I am VERY uptight in that recording in an uncomfortable sort of way.  I would guess in the comfort of your own home you just can't believe that you were once so "uptight".  I have described myself in that tape as being "wound up tight as a banjo string"....  I don't remember being that wound up but the only reason I can think of for being that tense is just the unknown we faced on a daily basis.  We had no idea when we would be home. I had a set of orders that said I would be there a month but I fully well expected to be in the "AOR" (Area of responsibility) for a year.

I can't say that trip overseas was all that bad. We darn near lived in a country club, except for the fact we lived and ate in tents. They fed us very well and we had steak almost every friday. I can say I ate the best shrimp gumbo I've ever had during Desert Shield/Desert Storm.  We had such a good site set up the Army used to come to our tent city for a weekend of R&R...However, it wasn't home.  I have to give the 363FW from Shaw AFB and the Air Force mad props. They tried every way in the world to ensure we had other things to do OTHER than support our flying effort. We had a movie tent and an NCO club. We had a beer ration of one 12 oz. beer a night (The U.A. E. were a more moderate country that Saudi Arabia). Almost anytime after duty hours you could find a volleyball game going on in tent city. We had a book tent that you could swap one book for another book. We even had a weight lifting tent...and still yet, it wasn't home.

Speaking of the book tent. At the time I was into reading military fiction. Stephen Coonts was my favorite author (His most well known book is "Flight of the Intruder" it was made into a movie that did the book no justice!) I picked up a book one day in the book tent called "Team Yankee" by Harold Coyle. It was about an Army tank team fighting a ground war in the same geographic area we were defending!  I read that book and it was a bit too much like art imitating life, my real life at the time! That book scared me pretty badly considering just where I was living at the time.....Oh well, I never said I was S-M-R-T smart.

I couldn't write about being away from home without mentioning my good friend and brother from another mother, Jim Matthews.  Jim kept me sane during that tense time of 7 months and 5 days away from home. I believe he would say the same about me.  We left Shaw AFB at different times and I didn't see him again until a few days after I had arrived in the U.A.E.  Seeing Jim was like seeing home. We spent hours of time together before the war and us being together in this great unknown just seemed to be one of the puzzle pieces that fit for me. He had a computer in his tent just like the one I had at home, an Atari 1040st. An affordable Macintosh work alike that was one heck of a computer in its day.  It made IBM's of the same era look VERY bad but it didn't catch on at all. I love being around a computer and NOT using a computer just makes me very uptight in a bad way.  Having Jim around got me my computer fix AND gave me a card playing partner when we kicked other teams asses while playing hearts or spades. On top of the fact Miller brewing company had donated case after case of O'Douls non(or very low) alcoholic beer and Jim had cases of O'Douls stacked around his tent. We drank a bunch of O'Douls and played many games of cards for hours on end.  Most of my memories from that time concerning Jim are good ones, however, we had one hell of an argument one time in that 7 month time span so bad that I just had to walk away from him to keep from clocking him upside the head!  I can say without shame that I Love Jim Matthews like family and to think we might have come to blows is just hard for me to think about.  Jim and I could often disagree but we almost never became disagreeable with each other.  We respected each other greatly and still do. The only reason I can really think we might have really fought was the daily unknown we both faced during that time. Words do not adequately express the gratitude and thanks I have for Jim during this time in my life.  No finer friend or person exist to my knowledge.

I deployed two other times during my Air Force career. Once to Saudi Arabia and once to Turkey.  Those other deployments were different than the Gulf War.  The other two deployments had a great deal of advance notice that deploying to the Gulf War didn't have.  That small fact made it much easier to deal with being away from home.  When I deployed to the Gulf War, I was on leave.  My 1st wife and I were on the 9th hole of Lakewood Golf Course in Sumter SC (the golf course is now gone, it is now a subdivision) when my Dad came driving down the fairway on a golf cart yelling "They need you on base!"...we never did finish that game of golf. I can't remember the score of that golf game but I can say my 1st wife was a better golfer than I ever was so I was most likely losing!

In less than 48 hours I was standing on the flightline of Al Dhafra Air Base, the U.A.E, at 12:00 noon on 12 or 13 August 1990 and it was the HOT of the day because it wasn't just heat..it was HOT. The first person I saw that I knew as a welding/machine shop guy named Frank, who put a gallon water jug in my hand and said "Drink it fast, it gets warm quickly"..... We formed up in a hanger and had a briefing about the situation and the rules we needed to know. The one rule I remember most was this: "Do NOT step off the asphalt of the taxiway/aircraft parking area because if you do, you will get SHOT!" and they pointed out the fox holes all around the fence of that base, 15 to 20 feet apart with a man with a weapon in their hands in the foxhole. Those guys didn't speak a word of English and, darn it, I didn't speak one word of arabic at the time! Those guys had to be mighty tough to sit for hours in those foxholes in the oppressive heat!

I'm thankful to say it got better from there...and NO, I never did step off the asphalt to see if they would shoot first and ask questions later.

I'm thankful I can sit in my house, 22 years later and remember the times that weren't perfect in my life or situation.

I'm thankful to my 1st wife for staying with me during that time. I saw a great many marriages suffer during the Gulf War.  The reasons we split had nothing to do with being deployed at any point in time. She supported my military career, even when it wasn't easy to do so.  I wish her and her husband a great deal of happiness.

I'm thankful to my son, Christopher, and his wife, Lindsey and our two granddaughters, Alisen and Catherine.  It isn't a bad thing being a grandparent and those lovely girls have a whole BUNCH of grandparents. I believe they are VERY lucky. I didn't know either of my grandfather's. One died before I was born and the other didn't live close but we could have talked on the phone but I don't remember it if it did happen.

I'm thankful to God for calling me back to the fold and giving me a good church family at Kathwood Baptist Church.

I'm thankful for my wife, Randi. She is a wellspring of strength and grace. Always a lady and always pleasant
and funny, in a quiet sort of way.  She showed me that you don't have to yell at the top of your lungs to change the world.  She does it daily in her own quiet way.

I can't be thankful for Randi without being also thankful for her daughters, Kathryn and Debbie. They are wonderful young women who I am very proud are in my family. I could be no more proud if they were my own daughters.  It has been a wonderful experience I wouldn't trade for the world. My life has been enriched by them!

I would be remiss to not be thankful for my family in Knoxville TN. My mom and dad have lived a good long life and I'm lucky to have them around still.  My Brother and his wife and family are also in my thoughts. Rick and I fought like brothers...(well, DUH!)  but turned into much better adults.  It is good to hear his voice on the other end of the phone!  It was good to know my family in Knoxville celebrated my most recent birthday with a pizza party in my honor even though I wasn't there. Thanks Guys! LOVE YOU!

I'm sure there dozens of other things to be thankful for but they slip my old mind right at the moment.

However, one last thing:
I'm thankful for the solders, sailors, airmen, marines and coast guard troops who are away from home protecting the values of this great nation during this holiday.

J.

It only took 51 years...

Today is my 51st birthday.  For me to type that sentence is a big milestone. Last year that wouldn't and couldn't happen.   While posting a status on Facebook a few days ago about fact people might not know about me:

"5 things people might not know about me.

1. I'm not a native Tennessean. I was born in Missouri when my dad was in the U.S. Air Force. Both sides of my family are from East Tennessee.
2. I was born premature by 3 months. My birth weight was 2 lbs, 9 oz. (yes, you read that right). I lost weight back to 1 lbs, 14 oz. before I started to gain weight
3. I've played guitar (on and off) since age 11.
4. I purchased my first motorcycle at age 42 (a 1982 Honda CM250C)
5. I did not retire from the Air Force. I separated from the military after 15 years, 9 months. (24 May 1984 - 1 Feb 2000)"

I could have also added a 6th one. "6. JFK was shot on my first birthday"

On the news today when they ask "Where were you when JFK was shot?" my answer is "in diapers and in a crib most likely"...

When I have told some people JFK was shot on my first birthday, they always answer "Oh, your birthday is 25 Nov?" ..er..no...he was shot on my 1st birthday not buried on my 1st birthday. 

It is funny how things that happened when you were a kid will stick with you in ways that you carry into adulthood.  44 years ago today, my first grade class at Alice Bell School sang Happy Birthday to me. I wanted to crawl under a rock. It made me most uncomfortable. That discomfort stuck with me for a long darn time. Last year, at age 50 I decided this silly stuff needed to stop. I can't continue to carry the past around no matter what the reason.  I'll most likely NEVER post this information in public anyplace else because it is yet, just another day in a string of days that have made up my life up to this point.  I still feel pretty private about my birthday.  If I get birthday wishes going forward that is ok and If I don't...that is ok too. 

Randi ask me what I wanted to do for my birthday and my answer "I really don't care as long as we are doing it together."  I like her better than anyone else walking the face of the earth and our 3 adult children, Kathryn; Debbie and Christopher, and their families are close behind.   Our Family is a big bunch of "Your's, Mine, and Ours" and I like it a great deal. 

Turning 50 really made me think about the things I was holding on to from my past and it has made me reevaluate who I am and WHY I am the way I am. I'll be the first to admit, I'm a strange one...*twitch*

In 2004 Randi and I took a trip to Dallas to see Kathryn and Debbie. We saw the book depository and the plaza. It was a solemn moment. Quiet and very reverent.  I was surprised by the number of conspiracy theorist hanging around the plaza. One man tried to give me a paper about JFK's assassination and I told him "You won't change my mind and I sure won't change yours. Please keep your paper"   

It has been a long strange trip and it keeps getting better every day! 

J. 

Temptation

If you happen to read this blog on a regular basis, you will know that Randi and I recently joined Kathwood Baptist Church. It has been a positive life enriching experience for us.  As I have related that my challenges for the most part, are ones of suddenly letting "colorful language" suddenly pop out of my mouth. WHOOPS! It isn't the end of the world.

I have other temptations that I decided to take out of my life 100%. It didn't bother me one bit to remove things from my life that were one step away from temptation.  I really felt very good about being proactive about the matter and removing items from my life that might make me stray away from God.
In the past I didn't take temptation very seriously. I thought that God would steer me away from temptation by some miracle of divine providence. It didn't work very well and I wondered why.  I was setting myself up to fail. It wouldn't be God that would have failed me but it was me failing myself and my Christian walk.

Life isn't easy and Christian life really isn't easy.  The Devil will be waiting to put a block in your way that puts you in harm's way.  We have a freedom of mind and the choices  we make are OUR fault.  It takes a keen amount of mental attention to keep oneself walking the straight and narrow.

Not only should we pray to God to "lead us not into temptation" but we should also use our mind to steer us clear of things that tempt us. Who knows you the best in the world? You Do! You knows what tempts you and you know how to turn your feet to get away from what tempts you.

My Christian walk has sometimes been an emotional one.  I'm a Southern emotional mess.  I sometimes act out of the frustration of my emotions. It isn't a good thing and it isn't good for my Christian life.  Living a Christian life is one driven by faith.  Hebrews 11:1 says Now faith is the assurance (the confirmation, the title deed) of the things [we] hope for, being the proof of things [we] do not see and the conviction of their reality [faith perceiving as real fact what is not revealed to the senses]. or as the King James Version says " Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."

It is good to be happy about being a Christian but when that happiness starts to wane, are we still as close to God as we always have been? The answer is a resounding YES.  Our faith is the anchor of our walk with God, not our emotions. I am so thankful for that fact, as my emotions are a mess on a daily basis.

I can also say that living a Christian life is SO much easier with Randi around. She was raised in a very church going home.  (She once described her young family life as being like Ozzie and Harriet or Ward and June Cleaver)  Her guidance and natural easy going manner has made decisions we have made concerning church so much easier. I'm happy for her experience and knowledge to explore as we go forward with our Christian walk.

I can say I'm very happy with our return to church. Since we returned to church, Randi's youngest daughter, Debbie, got baptized in October and a few weeks ago my son, Christopher told me he and his family are also going to church on a regular basis!  It has been a good year for getting back to God.

Our great thanks to God for all that good news!


J.

A problem I have

I have a problem of sorts. It isn't a big problem but it is a problem, none the less.

In my past, I've worked in places or in jobs that it is normal for most people involved to cuss or swear.
The military and Information Technology are both jobs that during a normal day, SOMEONE is going to use  "colorful language".  It could be jubilation that an engine went back in a piece of equipment easily or because the program you just spent the last month writing, compiled with no errors.   It just as easily could be having your big toe smashed when someone dropped a car battery on it by accident or someone just accidentally erased the WHOLE configuration on the Core Switch on your computer network and now the WHOLE flipping network is down and the phones (notice the "s") around you are now ringing off the hook because users can no longer work because their network connection just died by no fault of their own.

Trust me on this, all the above things will makes words suddenly come out of your mouth  that would make a sailor blush.  If you walk into a mechanic shop or an I.T. department and no one is swearing any at all. something is VERY wrong. Things have gotten SO bad and the problems SO big that all of their concentration is on fixing the problem and they couldn't say anything if they tried at that moment.... and if you tried to talk to them at that moment, you would only get "er.....um....eh....they can help you in the next room, I am REALLY busy" and back to work they would go and weeks later they would have no idea you had even been there at that time.

At this point, I have given my life back to God and his work. I have joined a wonderful church and I've really been amazed at The Lord's hand in my life.  I've been given a gift of being able to see being a Christian from older eyes and things have been going pretty well.....it hasn't been perfect but life has been better and I'm very happy about it. I'm not beating myself up over every little sin and I have been far more reflective in my thoughts about my actions BUT my "lose lips" will sink this ship of mine if I don't get a handle on my "colorful language".

The week after we joined the church, I was driving to work one morning when someone cut me off in traffic. For me to say that there was a "hair's worth" of space between our cars would be generous of me. The first thing out of my mouth "JESUS CHRIST"...and I NEVER say or said that even when I wasn't going to church or trying to live a committed life.  I might have backslid for a long time but I never joked about or made lite of God.  God is "bigger" than me and at the very least deserved/deserves my respect.

I have often said "I don't care how religious you are, if you stub your toe walking through the house at 2:00am and you DON'T say "DAMN" there is something wrong with you".....There are situations where saying "verily verily" just doesn't cut it, if you know what I mean. Even the late Grady Nut (a great Baptist comedian who died way too soon) thought Christians should have some ventilation language. He proposed using the words "blotchy" and "boogly"  as in  "Get your blotchy feet off my boogly bed!"....

James 3:2-10 says: "For we all stumble in many ways. And if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle his whole body. If we put bits into the mouths of horses so that they obey us, we guide their whole bodies as well. Look at the ships also: though they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are guided by a very small rudder wherever the will of the pilot directs. So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things. How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire! And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell. ... "

 also James 1:26 says: "If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, this person's religion is worthless."

Well....that was very direct and to the point.  I'm very thankful I have the faith of a grain of mustard seed cuz I'm going to need it.

I've always heard that admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery.

I have a problem but the good Lord knows I need help.  It will all work out.

J.

This is a first for me

I'm not young by any streach, however, my wife would tell you I'm still a spring chicken....I've always been a news hound and always had one ear tilted toward politics. While I was in the military, I was VERY interested in the news and politics because the actions of those in Washington D.C. could very well effect my life in the short term.  When I left for the Gulf War, one day I was on the golf course and in less than 48 hours, I was walking away from a C-5 Aircraft on the ramp at an air base in the U.A.E. 

It would seem from everything I've seen about the government shutdown, 72% of the people DON'T WANT the government shutdown over the Affordable Care Act.  The business of the government is being held up by sour grapes from the House and its republican majority.  I really don't see how they can keep saying that the President won't negoiate about the government shutdown due to a LAW that has already been passed and signed by the President and upheld by the Suprime Court.    This is not a House Bill we are talking about this an ALREADY PASSED LAW....  

The House in its own dysfunctional way has voted around 40 times for bills that DEFUND the Affordable Care Act and those bills are NEVER taken up by the Senate and would be vetoed by the President if it ever did make it out of the House chambers. I would wonder just what The House could have accomplished if they had concentrated on what was good for the " life liberty and the persuit of happiness " of the people of this country

This country is a Democracy. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. This is the way democracy SHOULD work.  

I have never ever before this seen one house of congress hold out against a LAW before they allow the government to be funded.  

Romans 13 says a great deal about leadership: 

"13 Let every soul be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and the authorities that exist are appointed by God. 2 Therefore whoever resists the authority resists the ordinance of God, and those who resist will bring judgment on themselves. 3 For rulers are not a terror to good works, but to evil. Do you want to be unafraid of the authority? Do what is good, and you will have praise from the same. 4 For he is God’s minister to you for good. But if you do evil, be afraid; for he does not bear the sword in vain; for he is God’s minister, an avenger to execute wrath on him who practices evil. 5 Therefore you must be subject, not only because of wrath but also for conscience’ sake. 6 For because of this you also pay taxes, for they are God’s ministers attending continually to this very thing. 7 Render therefore to all their due: taxes to whom taxes are due, customs to whom customs, fear to whom fear, honor to whom honor."

You might not like who is in charge in the country BUT God is in charge and he has allowed them to be in charge. 

You might not agree with me and I encourage you to disagree with me if you feel so lead to do so.

There is a great deal of MIS-Information in this information age.  Don't just take anyone's word about the problems in this world.  Open your mind and research for yourself.  

The country became great because of our differences but is now being torn apart because of our differences.  

It is truly a sad day and we need to pray for the leadership in this country.  

J.

Giving it all away

Giving up or giving in, Not a concept most American take to very well.  Our history is full of people who made it by not giving up or giving in. In our walk with God, I think being American can be a draw back...Ingrained in our culture is the spirit to stand on one's own two feet and make it by the sweat of our brow and the labor of our hands. 

I do truly believe we take a step closer to God when we pray "God, I can't handle it (it being life, problems, concerns, worry, etc) any longer. I put it at your hands to deal with it and to let your will be done in this situation"....

You have just taken the strange step of relying less on your own devices and stepping on the faith and promises of God. God said " you have not, because you ask not."James 4:2.…and this is OH SO TRUE...or it has been for me in my Christian life over the years, but you better be asking for the right things with the right intentions in your heart. You don't need a whole load of faith because Jesus promised “Because of your little faith. For truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you.” Matthew 17:20

The step from our known devices to giving our problem to God, lock stock and barrel, isn't that hard to do but it is the simple trust in a simple plan that God has control that gives us problem. I'm sure we all think "My problems are pretty big. Am  I 100% SURE God can handle all of that?" .....*gulp*....but but but....

But nothing. God said "Casting all your care upon him; for he cares for you" 1 Peter5:7.....and that is a truth we can believe in but it isn't easy to take that first step of faith.  

The Bible goes on to say "25"For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? 26"Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? 27"And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life?…" Matthew 6:25 to 27..... However, who in this modern life lives like this??? It is pretty hard to wrap your mind around that considering all the modern things we have around us.  

For a worry wart like me, the statement "do not be worried about your life"...is a hard pill to swallow, but God cares for us a great deal and I know I haven't stopped to consider how much he does care for me but methinks I'll be thinking about it in the days to come.....

God is good or at least I can say he has been good to me. 

J. 

Nobody knows you......

A few weeks ago, I posted on Facebook:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=owOGDEJr3ts (Eric Clapton's Signe, the first song on the 1992 Unplugged CD) and posted with it "a hard song to learn....but I'll get it figured out:"
Varda Epstein ask "You know how to play guitar and I didn't know".  My answer to her was it didn't come up much and that "I've been playing guitar on and off since I was 11 years old"...more off than on over the years.

Playing Guitar is like riding a bike...you never truly forget but you do lose the sharpness you once played with.  There was one song on Eric Clapton's Unplugged CD that I always liked. "Nobody knows you when your down and out" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5aDykZEATzk  I have always liked music that speaks about the human condition and that song speaks volumes about the human condition.  I've always wanted to learn that song but in the 21 years since that CD came out, I've just never taken the time to do it.  I used to play guitar by ear.  I played pretty much anything I wanted without looking at music.  I remember sitting in my room at age 15 in the dark, playing something from John Denver and not missing a note...those days are long gone.  I've watched Eric's unplugged DVD and he played with such ease and he never misses note.  I envy his talent.  I'll never play that good ever again but now that the callouses are back on my left finger tips, I play a little every day just to keep my fingers in good shape. It was very painful to play enough to get callouses again. I don't think I want to lose those.

I learned to play guitar in the summer of 1974, using a black Les Paul copy without the aid of an amplifier. My hair was a great deal longer than it is now and my parent's didn't have central air conditioning at the time. I played a good bit until I got married in 1982. At that point all my money went to my new family.  I purchased a great many guitars over the years. a 12 string guitar for a great price because the neck was warped. I also purchased another Gibson Les Paul copy from J.C. Penny's. I lived in Fairbanks/North Pole AK at the time. While speaking with the J.C. Penny's catalog customer service person, I told the woman my name was Johnny Massengill and I lived in North Pole AK, Zip Code 99702. She said "Come on [so and so] stop joking with me"....and I had to break it to her that YES, I was Johnny Massengill, Airman First Class in the U.S.A.F. and that I really did live in North Pole AK and I did want the Sunburst orange Les Paul copy that was in the Christmas Catalog....she was a bit "gobsmacked" on the other end of the phone. I've never hear ANYONE apologize so much as that poor woman from J.C. Penny's did.  The guitar was beautiful but beauty doesn't make a guitar sound good.  It would seem that my Sunburst orange Les Paul copy wasn't made to exacting standards and the neck was out of tune with itself because the frets were not spaced as they should have been.  I could never get it in tune.  In 1987, when I moved to SC, I purchased an Aria Acoustic Guitar from Shaw Gate Pawn shop, right outside the front gate of Shaw AFB. It is still there and I got to be pretty good friends with the owners in the years that I lived in Sumter, SC. Someplace along the line I got a Fender Squire electric guitar. It is Fender's cheaper copy of their own Stratocaster, Much like the Epiphone Les Paul is a cheaper copy of Gibson's own Les Paul.  Gibson owns Epiphone so they get to make the cheaper versions of the Les Paul.

I do believe the Fender Squire and the Sunburst orange Les Paul copy both got taken to the pawn shop when money got tight. The Aria almost met the same fate but I got talked out of giving that guitar up.  It was hard to see them go out of my hand to the pawn shop but I needed the money SO badly at the time.

The Aria Acoustic Guitar is still with me. It looks like its been hit on the back of the neck with a hammer and it isn't pretty but it is one of the best playing Guitars I've ever played.  I let my Dad have it for a few months and he gave it back to me and it will stay with me until I'm in the ground. I also have a very nice copy of a round back Ovation (look up the guitar Melissa Etheridge plays.) and it plays very well and is a very comfortable guitar to hold and play.  I also have a Johnson Acoustic Guitar that I keep in the car for those days when I just need to get away from real life for a few seconds

I can think of only one guitar that I lack. A real Gibson Les Paul. I'm not sure why an old guy like me needs 4 guitars but I made myself a promise when I went in the Air Force that one day I would have a Gibson Les Paul. It hasn't happened yet but I'll get there.....

I first played a real Gibson Les Paul at Lynn's Guitars on Broadway in Knoxville in the mid 70's. It was a 1952 model Les Paul and it had had a hard life. It had nicks out of the paint and it didn't look good at all, but it PLAYED like a dream.  I've never played another guitar that fit my hands quite so good or maybe my old mind remembers it better than it really was.....  Today, in good condition that 1952 Gold Top Les Paul would pull down between $18,000 - $20,000

No more copies for me.  If I shell out the cash for another Les Paul it will be a true Gibson...

One day before they put me in the ground....one day.

J.

How time changes things

Depending on where you are at on the timeline of life might determine how you react to things that happen around you.

 

In my late teens, I was short with most anyone and like any teen, I thought I knew it all.... I sometimes think that is a right of passage we all go through.  

Take Randi, for instance.  I've know her since I was in my late 30's and I remember the first time I ask her to close a room door in my house. She closed it but didn't push it all the way latched.  Because of the influence of the U.S. Air Force in my life, it was either totally open or totally closed and I ask her to close it "all the way" and she did.  I'll never forget that moment.  As we have grown together, things have changed a bit.  One day at work, we somehow started discussing what would make us miss our husband or wife if they passed away suddenly.   For me, it was easy. Randi had some of her clothes in the hall closet of our old house. I could always tell when she had been in that closet, she would close the door but she wouldn't shut it "all the way".  I KNEW that 98% of the time that I put my hand on that closet door, it would shut "all the way" with a small push. 

When we moved to our new house in 2010, I told her "I wonder which closet you won't close all the way in the new house".  I could think of a few closets that might be in the running. The linen closet down the hall, any of the bedroom closets OR the Master bedroom closet.... Well, the Master Bedroom closet won out. 

I could have let her habit get under my skin but now it reminds me of the funny, silly Nurse, I married.   It is a a unique Randiism that reminds me of her and makes me smile

I was once so uptight that I thought about unimportant things way too much and didn't give enough thought about the important stuff.  I was missing the good stuff in life by being tripped up by the little background noises of life.  

Knowing what you can and can't change in life is very important and I know I'll never get Randi to close the Master Bedroom closet "all the way" but....its okay, I wouldn't want to change a thing......

J. 

Ich bin ein Juden

Ich bin ein Juden.  

To borrow from John F. Kennedy's famous speech to West Berlin on June 26, 1963. I must say "I am a Jew".  I don't have Jewish blood lines and I didn't convert to the Jewish faith, but , from a standpoint of support and beliefs about the Jewish Homeland and the right of the Jewish people to live in the small bit of land called Israel, I stand shoulder to shoulder with my Jewish brothers and sisters.  They have a historic right to the land and that history is twisted at every turn to try and wrestle away that historic right.

I believe that the Jews are God's chosen people as is related in Deuteronomy 7:6 "For thou art an holy people unto the Lord thy God: the Lord thy God hath chosen thee to be a special people unto himself, above all people that are upon the face of the earth." and is also spoken of in Genesis 12:2-3 "2 And I will make of thee a great nation, and I will bless thee, and make thy name great; and thou shalt be a blessing:3 And I will bless them that bless thee, and curse him that curseth thee: and in thee shall all families of the earth be blessed."

The recent talks between Israel and The Palestinian Authority being overseen by U.S. Secretary of State, John F. Kerry includes all the items such talks have included before. A release of prisoners, a retraction to the borders of 1967. If any State outside of the U.S. suggested to us to release all manor of murders and terrorist back into society, we would tell them that there is no way in hell that such a release would be allowed to happen, yet Israel is always ask to release prisoners and/or land as a way to seek peace.  The 104 people who are being released from Israeli custody have taken countless lives, some of them American Citizens and the people of Israel are outraged by this being approved by Israeli Prime Minister, Binyamin Netanyahu.  I can understand their frustration with the leader of their country selling out for the purpose of "peace". I am also outraged the USA has a hand in asking for release of people who killed Americans. This should not happen, EVER. 

The PLO charter STILL speaks of the elimination of the Jewish State and has not been changed. Article 15 of the PLO charter states "The liberation of Palestine, from an Arab viewpoint, is a national (qawmi) duty and it attempts to repel the Zionist and imperialist aggression against the Arab homeland, and aims at the elimination of Zionism in Palestine. Absolute responsibility for this falls upon the Arab nation - peoples and governments - with the Arab people of Palestine in the vanguard. Accordingly, the Arab nation must mobilize all its military, human, moral, and spiritual capabilities to participate actively with the Palestinian people in the liberation of Palestine. It must, particularly in the phase of the armed Palestinian revolution, offer and furnish the Palestinian people with all possible help, and material and human support, and make available to them the means and opportunities that will enable them to continue to carry out their leading role in the armed revolution, until they liberate their homeland."  Another note on that webpage states "however, that the PLO's translation sometimes deviates from the original Arabic so as to be more palatable to Western readers. For example, in Article 15, the Arabic is translated as "the elimination of Zionism," whereas the correct translation is "the liquidation of the Zionist presence." "The Zionist presence" is a common Arabic euphemism for the State of Israel, so this clause in fact calls for the destruction of Israel, not just the end of Zionism."  

How in the world can you have a two state solution for peace when the other side is calling for your "liquidation" or "elimination"????? You can't. Its as simple as that.  

On The Patriot's Corner blog  there are a collection of verses "♦ From the Qur’an:
Qur'an (16:106) - Establishes that there are circumstances that can "compel" a Muslim to tell a lie.
Qur'an (3:28) - This verse tells Muslims not to take those outside the faith as friends, unless it is to "guard themselves." 
Qur'an (9:3) - "...Allah and His Messenger are free from liability to the idolaters..." The dissolution of oaths with the pagans who remained at Mecca following its capture. They did nothing wrong, but were evicted anyway.
Qur'an (40:28) - A man is introduced as a believer, but one who must "hide his faith" among those who are not believers.
Qur'an (2:225) - "Allah will not call you to account for thoughtlessness in your oaths, but for the intention in your hearts"
Qur'an (66:2) - "Allah has already ordained for you, (O men), the dissolution of your oaths"
Qur'an (3:54) - "And they (the disbelievers) schemed, and Allah schemed (against them): and Allah is the best of schemers." The Arabic word used here for scheme (or plot) is makara, which literally means deceit. If Allah is deceitful toward unbelievers, then there is little basis for denying that Muslims are allowed to do the same. (See also 8:30 and 10:21)
Taken collectively these verses are interpreted to mean that there are circumstances when a Muslim may be "compelled" to deceive others for a greater purpose."

Hmmmm its pretty hard to have a peace settlement with a group that can deceive you and dissolve oaths according to the words of their holy book???

All of that is pretty heavy stuff and I'm ashamed that my elected government has and has had a hand in pushing the people of Israel toward a peace table to deal with a group that wants them wiped off the face of the earth.....*head spinning around in confusion and shock*

I have seen ""can't we all just coexist"  bumper stickers but it is darned hard to "coexist" with a group that chants "Death to Israel, Death to America" someplace in the Middle East on a daily basis.  This isn't just about Israel but it is also about the good old USA too and very few Americans seem to realize this fact.

I'm not usually prone to political rants BUT, I believe our great country, The USA, is going down the drain and our treatment of Israel is one of the biggest reason for this.

Regardless of  what I think, God knows more about the outcome of all of this than I can even begin to form in my mind, but where it relates to the Jewish people and the Jewish homeland and the right of the Jewish people to occupy that homeland, I can say proudly, "I am a Jew"

J.

12 April 1996, A day which will live in infamy

12 April, 1996, A day which will live in infamy. No, Pearl Harbor didn't get attacked again on that date.  It was the day I found out the important people in my life.

The day started like any other. Up at 5:30 or 6:00 am, fix breakfast for Christopher and I, Feed Shep, our dog, and then the triple "S" (shit, shower and shave). I tried to leave for work about 7:00am while I was in the Air Force. I enjoyed walking around the office, drink a cup of coffee or two and prepare for the class I was going to teach that morning. The class I was teaching that morning was yearly "Block Training". It was about 7 or 8 different sections in the class, everything from Self-Aid Buddy care to ejection seat training.  50 minutes of teaching and a 10 minute break every hour.  We always had about 40 Airman in class.  I had been teaching at that time about 3 years and REALLY had a great deal of fun teaching most days.

I was sitting at my desk, having a debate with another instructor about something and the phone on my desk rang. It was the Sumter County Sheriff's department. They went on to tell me that Christopher was ok but he had shot through his left hand with a small .25 pistol I had stored in an outside shed.   I was crushed!  I had a #2 pencil in my right hand that I crushed in to 5 pieces when the shock of what I had been told hit me. I was stunned.

I turned my seat around and my boss was standing right there. I told him what had happened and I was off to Tuomey Hospital about as fast as I could go.  Truth be told, I went from Shaw AFB to Tuomey Hospital about 80mph all the way down Broad street and didn't get a speeding ticket.  The 1991 Ford Escort I had got driven very hard that day.

When I got to the room Christopher was in, I walked in and the first words out of my mouth were "I guess you know you're grounded" The answer he gave me was a weak "yes sir". He was 12 years old.  For as much as I was about half mad, I was 100% heart broken seeing my only child suffering so.  I had been given that .25 pistol by a guy because I helped him fix his car and he had a small child in his house and didn't need a gun around the house.  When I got it home, I took the magazine and bullets out of the gun, and I let Christopher look at it because I KNEW he liked guns. He always has liked guns. I also told him NOT to touch that gun unless I let him and I was with him and I remember telling him that 3 different times.

Well, he had broken my rule about that and he was paying for it in a big way AND he was grounded....not a good day for my kid.

It was a comedy of errors as to how my son came to have my pistol in his hand and it came to be loaded. I usually kept the gun in the outside shed and the bullets and magazine in the house, away from each other. Seems I had a neighbor who was a drug dealer and an alcoholic and he was rarely sober most days. The weekend before he had been in his front yard, yelling and screaming up a storm and he wasn't shy about who he talked to or about what he talked about....he was a really messed up guy.  He seemed to be trying to engage me in conversation about something or other....... Trust me on this, you can't talk to anyone who is drunk or high.....it just doesn't work well. I had a feeling he might try to come raise cane in my front yard. I got the gun from the shed, the magazine from my nightstand and I loaded the pistol and put in my pocket. If he decided to bring his conversation in my yard, I was going to blow his kneecap clean off..... Well, as the day wore on, my drunk/high neighbor finally went back into his house and I put the gun back in the shed BUT I didn't remove the magazine from the pistol and I didn't remove the bullet from the chamber I had ready to shoot if it came to that.....I had never shot that weapon and knew that it was darn near brand new and was mostly unused.

Christopher told me he climbed up on the freezer and removed the gun from an old wok I had purchased someplace. He said he was trading it from his right hand to his left hand when it went off. After the bullet went through his hand, it lodged in the wooden door facing of the shed.  God blessed my son that morning. For all he had done wrong, he then proceeded to walk back in the house, stop the bleeding on his hand, call 911, walked out in the front yard to flag down the sheriff when he missed the house.  I'm not sure an adult could have kept it together quite so good.

It all turned out well in the end. The hospital patched him up and we told him to tell his friends he had his hand slammed in a car door and leave it at that if anyone ask about his hand.  It made me realize that for as hard as a child is to raise some days, it really did hurt my heart to see him hurting, no matter what the reason.

He really didn't get grounded.  When he came back home and saw the trail of blood on the carport and in the kitchen, he lost it in a way I had never seen him breakdown before.  I remember walking into the living room and he was still crying a bit and I told him....."I've never seen you this tore up about anything, you aren't grounded, go be a 12 year old and play with Shep. Go be a kid, we will work out some sort of punishment later on".....It just seemed to me that he was hurting enough between his ears and I didn't need to pile any more hurt on him.  The punishment I worked out was I made him draw a picture of Bugs Bunny as the King of England out of a Looney Tunes book I had. He was/is a really good artist. Its a beautiful drawing and I still have it and it is the one thing I have from Christopher that is very special to me, besides my granddaughters....

12 April, 1996 wasn't a great day but I found out how much I loved my kid, even if he did do something stupid....he might have made a stupid mistake, but he was ALIVE and very lucky.

Having never shot that pistol, I took it out in my back yard a few days later and shot it at a pine tree just to see how loud it was.  I was outside and my ears rang a bit.....I can only imagine the noise of the shot, the shock of being hurt and my son still had the presents of mind to help himself get help at the house.  I guess when the chips are down you really don't realize how able you might be until you are under pressure.  I'm sure it wasn't easy for him.  I was very proud of how he kept his head screwed on straight even after the confusion of such an accident.

The pistol is in a bunch of pieces now and I've never put it back together or shot it again.....I still have it but it will stay in pieces.....because of one day, a very long time ago.

Thanks Christopher for allowing me to write this.....I'm not sure why it was on my mind.  Love you!

J.

Pushing myself forward.

I have been a lot of places and seen a lot of things in the past 50 years and 8 months.  I've lived my dream and followed in my Dad's foot steps.  I could not ask for more in my life.  However, during that time I've turned into a  person that doesn't trust strangers and holds everyone at arm's length until I reach a level of comfort.  I'm not happy about it.  The reason I'm not happy about it is this: You get out of any situation what you put into any situation. If I'm giving mistrust  or mistrustful vibes around new people or in new places, I'll get back mistrust from these new situations.

I often don't speak to people I walk by in the morning because I don't think they would want to talk to me or I can't understand why they might want to talk to me. I feel that I'm one of the nameless, faceless crowd. Part of the background noise of life rushing by at great speed. My holding back from pushing forth the effort to be at least cordial to people I don't know makes me miss out on the story these people's lives have to tell. Every one of us has a story to tell with our lives and I'm fascinated with people and what drives them or pushes them to do what they have done with themselves.

I'll admit that once I get in my comfort zone with another person, I'll talk your ear off, I would darn near give you the shirt off my back if you needed it.  I'm not "unfriendly". I don't go out of my way to do harm to people I don't know but I also don't go out of my way to say "hello" to them either.  I usually let people I don't know speak to me first or make the first interaction with me.

Even on Facebook, I'm a bit standoffish.....my "About you" information states "Just because I know you or attended school with you doesn't mean I will automatically befriend you on Facebook. If I don't know you somehow other than Facebook, there is a better than average chance I won't befriend you on Facebook in most cases." I have caught flack about that statement more than once from more than one person. My whole point of all of that is this: Just because we spent 11 or 12 years walking the hallowed halls of our esteemed public school but we really didn't have a "relationship" of any type beyond that does not a friendship make! You have to be a friend of an Facebook friend to even see the friendship button on my Facebook page! In my mind, there is a difference between being an acquaintance and being a true friend.  Some people don't get that simple concept.....

Even this blog can't be searched for with Google. A stranger couldn't find this blog if they tried.  I must think it is worth something because I keep writing it but I hide my "light under a basket" and cheat myself from the blessings I might get from writing this blog!

The only exception I've made to that Facebook friends rule has to do with people who might know about my family tree or if I can help them with their family tree OR the members of the ZL-OA motorcycle form OR you have to be Varda Epstein. Varda is a friend of a friend (you know who you are Susan McElvanney). I admire Varda and her husband, Dov. More than anyone else I know, Varda and Dov live their convictions on a daily basis. They put their "money where their mouth is" so to speak. Varda's blog is a good one  The guys at ZL-OA have helped me when they didn't know me and I've been able to give help back to people who are trying to keep an almost 30 year old motorcycle running. They have given without expectation of getting anything back from me and I have given to them without the expectation of getting anything back from them.

These actions (or lack of actions) has to stop.  I can't go on living life shutting out most of the people I'm around.  It isn't normal  and it isn't healthy for my spirit or my spiritual life going forward. Life is an effort and I'm going to have to put forth the effort to stop holding the world at arm's length.

I need to push myself forward until being "friendly" becomes my comfort zone.

I need to show a side of myself that is "of good cheer" on a daily basis so people can see the Lord in my life. I need to put my best foot forward, not because I "have to" but because it is the RIGHT thing to do. As the Bible says in Galatians 5:22 and 23

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, long-suffering, gentleness, goodness, faith,Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law.

I must move forward from this point. Now is the time, today is the day and I am the loser if I don't accomplish this task in my life.

Wish me luck.
J.

UPDATE: Sometimes you read something that lets you know your life is doing Okay. This was one of those time.

UPDATE:
We have received information from Stephanie MacMurray and she has found a way to get to her son's home for his funeral. I don't have much more information than that at this time. I will update this post as more information is given to Randi and I.

I follow a group on Facebook that is dedicated to PTSD (Post traumatic stress disorder) and a woman had posted:

Status Update
By PTSD
Hello, my name is Stephanie MacMurray, my son is (was) a Marine vet who struggled desperately with Ptsd for years. It won..... My son shot and killed himself this past Tuesday. Please forgive my bluntness, but I have come to a point to where I don't know how else to state it. The purpose of my contacting you is purely selfish, we are burying my son this coming Saturday (possibly due to holiday delays) and I do not have the funds to go home. Two of my son's have served their country, and I always believed when told "We are family and we take care of our own", yeah well that was a lie. I have been turned down by every vet organization so far because he was no longer active. I just want to go home and bury my child! If there is anyone you can put me in touch with, any possible way your group can help or whatever, we would be grateful for the help. This is my cell..... 503-836-2037..... Anyone can contact me at ANYTIME. I have proof of death when asked for.

Stay blessed and strong.

Stephanie MacMurray.

After reading that, my problems weren't that big any more. I just had a hangnail when compared to this person.  I cried, I wrote my Preacher and I just wanted to beat my fist against the wall that "the system" had failed this woman.

Randi and I are both wracking our brains trying to share this with someone or some group that might be able to help.

J.

"lead us not into temptation," I can find it myself.....

What a long strange trip its been!

At one point in time in my life, I was pretty religious.  Saved at 12 when I went to Knoxville Baptist Tabernacle with Mike Sands and his family.  4 years later, at age 16, I felt the call to preach.  I remember talking to my Dad about that decision and he wasn't excited about it and tried to talk me out of it. I agonized over that decision for days/weeks.  Trying to decide if Exodus 20:12 fit this situation...  Exodus 20:12 says  “Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you." While reading The Bible I found Acts 5:29 and I KNEW which direction to go. Acts 5:29 says "Then Peter and the other apostles answered and said, We ought to obey God rather than men".  I have to say, I love my Dad but I was being pulled another way. It wasn't easy but it was doable. I was licensed to preach by a small church that was short distance from my house. Between 16 and 18 I taught Sunday School, Training Union and I filled in for the song director when he broke his foot and was a youth director for a short time. 

Fast forward to 18 years old and I got my first job, my first car and my first love.....  To say I fell hard for this girl is a major understatement.  Our relationship twisted my mind in ways I couldn't grasp.  It didn't last long and it hurt like hell.  Her parents didn't dislike me but they also didn't care for me dating their daughter and they let it be know every moment I was around them.  Her dad was a Army vet and I ask him what he did where he worked....his answer "That isn't any of your business" I was doing the best I could to TRY and make conversation with this person and it didn't seem to matter.  This guy was SO uptight that I was told he had a outline drawing scissors on his drawing desk and that one spot was the ONLY place the scissors went on that desk...the end...full stop. OCD much, er CDO much? I once ask this girl what was wrong with her dad and her answer was "He spent 20 years in the Army" my answer to her was "My Dad spent 20 years in the Air Force and he isn't that uptight"....

When that relationship ended. I walked away from God.  Slammed the door in his face and walked away. I couldn't understand why he had taken the thing I wanted most in this world.  I couldn't grasp it, I couldn't shake it and I truly felt like no one would understand at all....I just HURT all over.  Sad to say, every woman in my life after that, until the age of 27 or 28, would suffer because of the hurt I felt over losing her.  I was too short sighted to see just how my toxic attitude would also hurt the people around me.  It was sad. 

I saw her one last time, when I was 20 years old.  When she saw me, she didn't say "Hello Johnny!" or "Hi" or anything like that. Her first words to me after two years were "I'm getting married in August!" I knew right then that how I felt about her was never how she felt about me.  And the hurt flooded back for a few weeks in full force, just as bad as the initial hurt had ever been.

I was most bitter as far as my attitude was concerned. I hid it pretty well most days but if you got close to me there was going to be that moment when the bitter side came out. It wasn't pretty. I wasn't nice and I STILL blamed God and did so for a great many years.  Sad to say, my first wife got the worst end of me for a great many years.  No matter what had or has happened between us, she didn't deserve my shit for something she didn't do and had no hand in. 

Buddha said "Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned." and this is SO true.  I had hurt myself and a load of others just by being mad at God.  

I went into the U.S. Air Force after being married for a year and being blessed with my first and only child.  I loved being in the military.  I always said "When it stops being fun, I'm out".....it stopped being fun 15 years and 9 months later and YES I did get out. I have to say I've found nothing as fun as being in the military. If it wasn't for that whole "training to go to WAR" stuff, I would have enlisted for my last hitch and retired but it wasn't to be. (To be honest, the "training to go to WAR" didn't have anything to do with my separating from the Air Force, the pace of deployments and my over all health during that time were what made me walk away from the military.  Being suddenly deployed for months at a time and being away from my son made me lose my "fun in the military") 

When people I served with found out I once preached, I got a lot of different reactions. I had more people than I can count, literally, get right in my face and say "You know what you need to do, you need to get right with God right now!" As if saying that in a forceful manner would jolt me back on the straight and narrow.  I have told more people than I can count, including my own Dad, "If you are concerned for my mortal soul, get on your knees and pray for me, BUT, get out of my face! " and I wasn't nice about it either!  

I did get one reaction that I'll never forget. I had a couple ask me to perform their wedding.  I was so shocked by that I could have been knocked over with a feather.  I told them I would have to check the Alaska state laws to see if I could perform the service legally.  Alaska law said I could do the deed and I did it in a duplex in base housing at Eielson AFB.  I wish I could remember the date and the couple better almost  30 years later but I just can't. Fast Forward to October 2005 and I performed the service when my parents renewed their wedding vows on their 50 anniversary.  I had a LOAD of fun with that! How many people can say they got to give such a gift to their parents? Not many that I know of.  

Other than two weddings, I haven't done much with my call to preach, however, I can say in my later years, I have begun to feel the pull of God reeling me back to him.  Where I stand right now is closer to God than I have been in years.  Being a 7 day a week Christian as a teen was a roller coaster of feeling guilty about every little sin. I beat myself  up SO badly for so much "little" stuff....It made being a happy Christian very hard to do.  Being a 7 days a week Christian as an adult has raised questions that I didn't have as a teen or that the answers are different now that I'm an adult.  I've had to reach into my mind to figure out answers to those problems. I promised myself one thing. I wasn't going to beat myself up with "every little thing". 

At this point, Randi and I are considering joining a small church that is somewhat close to the house.  I've tried joining or finding other churches over the years. At one church, we stood up to sing and a strange thing happened. Without trying, I was out or over singing all of them. There were about 25 people in the room. After the service, the Preacher and another member came up to Randi and I and offered me the Music Minister's job right on the spot. I declined and said that I needed to be ministered to at this point in my spiritual life rather than try to minister to anyone else.  

I have always believed that we serve a loving God and his LOVE for us should be emphasized far greater than the fear of going to hell or what I call "turn or burn" preaching.  Most of the churches I've been to over the years have wanted to save everyone and have a bunch of robots on their hands. You can't wear makeup or pants or be African American or what ever nitpicking rule they wish to make this week....They all, or most of, them seemed to have an attitude of "we are the frozen chosen and those are sinners out there, keep away from them....."  

The church we are looking to join doesn't seem to have those problems. The very first service we went to on Easter Sunday, they prayed for Jews, Catholics, Muslims, the sick, the hurting and darn near included everyone on the planet. WOW..that sure was a change from the Southern Baptist Churches I attended. I have heard Jews and Catholics put down almost as a joke in some Southern Baptist Churches I attended and I always felt that was an odd thing to do but I was a bit too young to speak up or I was just visiting that church and I couldn't fix there problems in one short session...nor did I need to try to either. 

In listening to the Preacher of Kathwood Baptist, the church we are considering as our church home, he said something to the effect of "if your church is preaching exclusion not inclusion, there is something wrong". I had never heard it put that way before but that hit the nail right on the head. It struck a chord in me that made me want to visit again.  We recently missed two weeks of Sunday church and I truly missed it and since Kathwood is the only church I've attended recently, I MISSED Kathwood and the true warmth of their ministry. It is truly an impressive place that has given me time to get my mind around how I felt about it without so much as a push, other than to have people tell us they genuinely have missed us when we weren't there. It has made a difference to Randi and I.  

It hasn't been easy for Randi and I to find a church that suited us both. She being Methodist and my being Baptist some times didn't work well. Something or other about the amount of water being used or some such silly thing.... However, Kathwood has been different, we both felt comfortable about how the church was conducted and how the church treated us being visitors. One bad thing about joining the church is we won't get to use those neat visitors parking spots that are near the door....well DARN....but we will live. 

The trip from here on out might still be strange. Its a strange world we are living in, but maybe it will be a little less strange with a little more God in my life...

J.